Dear Bella: I am 21. I feel I am ready to have a child as it is my intention to further my education next year September and acquire my Bachelors degree in Jamaica. I do not have a fixed partner/boyfriend because I feel having a full time guy is too big of a responsibility for me at this time as I am focusing on myself.
There is this guy who is 24 that I normally have sex with. He is one of my two sexual partners. He is single but already has three kids whom he cannot maintain at his best since he is unemployed. I want to have a child with him because I think the child will be conceived with love. I am independent and my main source of income has been myself for a number of years now as I started working from the age of 16.
When I move to Jamaica to further my education, I don’t want to stop and think about making kids. I just want to continue to work on my career and everything. I am currently employed with a decent job but I have been doing the same thing for too long. I want to take the next step in life and by that I mean take a chance.
My mom thinks it’s too much of a risk and I should not think about a child right now. If you are now thinking what will I do with the child I have arranged to leave the child with my siblings in particular my sister, who have agreed under compensation terms.
What do you think I should do?
Thinking deep.
Dear Thinking deep,
While I commend you for having such a level head in knowing what you want and actually having plans to see it materialize, your decision to have a child in this plan is not fitting.
It’s not because you want to have a child early you should irrationally try to get pregnant and not think about the drawbacks that will come along with it. I do not encourage you to just drop an infant on your siblings and go off to Jamaica to study. A child needs the love and care of his mother as often as possible at an early age. It is so valuable when a child is nurtured and reared by both parents, and although you are assertive with your independence there are times you will want a steady male figure in the child’s life.
Work on your career as planned, pursue your studies and just be patient because you have not experienced motherhood and the thought of it right now is a mere desire, which you have not properly thought of the disadvantages behind. You are young, independent and sound like you have a good head on your shoulders from your determination to pursue higher education, and having a child at this critical moment can even hinder you from achieving your aspirations sooner than you like. Another thing if it is still your wish to have a child after pursuing studies please reconsider your choice of having it with an unemployed 24-year-old with three kids.
Bella.
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Ms. Bella gave you some great advice.
Young lady, with all due respect you are twenty-one years old, and I admire you for holding it down with an independent spirit since you were sixteen. I also respect your pursuit of furthering your education. Now I am going to move on over to reality. You are twenty-one years old single woman with a level head, and you are going to choose to have a child with a man who is twenty-four with three children? Moreover, he is “unemployed” and not able to pay child support. Even if he is unemployed, this young man is a player who has not been responsible in terms of how he conducts his life.
Although you may seem independent and free spirited at twenty-one, if I were in your situation, I would give some real thought to whether or not you are making the right choices in terms of your “anxiety with having a child” with a man that has three children at twenty-four is unemployed and cannot provide child support or emotional stability. What is really the rush? Only fools rush in.. and I am not indicating that you are a fool.
Lastly, let me tell you having more than one sexual partner is putting yourself at risk for severe life threatening sexually transmitted diseases. Apart from HIV/AIDS, Hep C and B are rampant, and the HPV (human papilloma virus) viruses that causes cervical cancer in women widespread. As of today’s date there are according to medical experts twenty-five diseases that are classified as sexually transmitted diseases.
Take care of your mind, body and spirit, and life will unfold if you give yourself the time to think about making the right choices. Prayer is a link to being grounded in a balanced spiritual state of mind. I wish you all the best.
P.S Ladies, I am not a doctor but if you are sexually active you should get an annual Pap smear that includes HPV screening. You should know your sexual partner medical history and have protected sex at all times. The life you save may be your own.